Shocking Truth About Family Reconciliation: What No One Tells You

Forgive and Forget? Both Sides Must Be Accountable After a Family Fallout

For most families, fallouts and squabbles are a regular occurrence. But what happens when those rifts deepen to an estrangement, such as appears to have beset the royal family and the Beckhams, and how can relationships be rebuilt?

According to the following psychologists and psychotherapists, family reconciliation requires both sides taking accountability for their behaviour and not letting past grievances and trauma block efforts to meaningfully re-engage with estranged relatives.

Where an adult child is estranged – as in the case of Prince Harry – parents and other relatives need to recognise whether the family narrative or culture is perpetuating this estrangement by portraying them as the troublesome rebel or outcast, say the experts.

The behavioural psychologist Jo Hemmings said the Duke of Sussex’s recent emotional interview with the BBC, in which he said there had been many disagreements with his family, some of whom would never forgive him, illustrated the importance of both sides accepting accountability for past behaviour.

View image in fullscreen Prince Harry is interviewed by Nada Tawfik in California for the BBC. Photograph: BBC news

His comments about his family not liking him writing his autobiography, Spare, did not appear to recognise it revealed “really private family confidences”, she said.

This risked undermining Harry’s goal to reconcile with his father, King Charles, and the rest of the royal family.

Susie Masterson, a Bacp-registered psychotherapist in Stockport, said she encouraged estranged relatives to devise a verbal contract as to how they would like to engage with one another.

This included the issues they were willing to talk about, and those that were off the table to begin with.

Estranged adults also needed to separate past grievances and trauma from their present desire for reconciliation, she said, and expressed concern that Harry may not have done this.

“I am not dismissing the hurt and the hardship,” said Masterson.

“But if we want to move towards post-traumatic growth and we want to have family members in our lives, then we have to be able to reframe or at least compartmentalise that and move towards what we want to achieve or engage with together.”

Family Dynamics and the Ripple Effect

The impact of family dynamics and culture on estrangement, including the fear of being ostracized or rejected, is a crucial aspect to consider.

How family narratives and cultures can perpetuate estrangement, as seen in the royal family and other high-profile cases, is also an important factor.

The need for relatives to understand the family dynamics that may have contributed to the estrangement and to address these underlying issues is essential.

Personal Reflections and Lessons Learned

Personal anecdotes and stories of family fallouts and estrangement, including my own experiences, can provide valuable insights into the complexities of family relationships.

Lessons learned from these experiences, including the importance of communication, empathy, and self-reflection, can also be applied to our own lives.

The importance of seeking outside help, such as therapy or counseling, when needed to work through family conflicts and estrangement cannot be overstated.

View image in fullscreen Prince Harry and Meghan at the opening ceremonies of the 2025 Invictus Games in Vancouver, Canada. Photograph: Jim Jeong/Rex/Shutterstock

Georgina Sturmer, another Bacp-registered counsellor, said it could be counter-productive for one party to seek a show of good faith from the other side, as Harry appeared to do by asking the king to intervene in his personal security provision.

“I would probably be exploring with them what is the personal cost of the current situation and what would it be like for things to be different?” she said.

“It’s those conversations that sometimes make us think, can I consider letting my guard down?”

Nicola Saunders, another counsellor, said where an adult child was estranged it was important for relatives to understand the family dynamics that may have pushed them out.

Fear among other relatives of also being ostracised could exacerbate existing family divisions, she said, such as brothers or sisters rejecting a sibling already alienated from their parents.

View image in fullscreen Brooklyn Beckham and Nicola Peltz attend a basketball game between the Los Angeles Clippers and the Denver Nuggets in Inglewood, California. Photograph: Allen Berezovsky/Getty

“The family culture [can] create this narrative of ‘Yeah, that person’s lying, they’re dramatic, none of what they say is true’,” said Sturmer.

“It absolutely has a ripple effect. That’s common within a family – I’ll just keep my head down and I’ll reject my sibling because the last thing I want to be is be in their position.”

Parents should also be mindful if high expectations of adult children led to feelings of disappointment and resentment.

View image in fullscreen Prince William and Prince Harry at the funeral of Queen Elizabeth II. Photograph: Justin Setterfield/Getty

As I sat in the park, nursing my bruised toe, I couldn’t help but think about my own family dynamics and the ripple effect they had on our relationships.

I thought about my wife’s family, who had always been very close-knit and tight-lipped about their personal lives, and how that had affected our own family dynamics.

I thought about my own parents, who had always been very critical and demanding, and how that had shaped my own expectations and behaviors.

I thought about my daughters, who had always been very independent and strong-willed, and how that had affected our relationships.

And I thought about my own sense of identity and purpose, and how it had been shaped by my family dynamics and experiences.

As I sat there, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of sadness and longing for the relationships I had lost and the relationships I had never had.

But as I looked around at the people passing by, I knew that I was not alone in my feelings.

I knew that there were many others out there who were struggling to make sense of their own family dynamics and relationships.

And I knew that there were many others out there who were seeking to heal and reconcile with their loved ones.

As I walked back home, I knew that I had a long way to go in terms of healing and moving forward.

But I also knew that I was not alone, and that there were many others out there who were on the same journey.

And that gave me hope.

View image in fullscreen Brooklyn Beckham and Nicola Peltz attend a basketball game between the Los Angeles Clippers and the Denver Nuggets in Inglewood, California. Photograph: Allen Berezovsky/Getty

Do you have any advice for my broken heart? I really feel for you. It’s hard to be away from family in this way, but it sounds like your daughters emigrated some years ago and so I wonder what’s triggered you writing in now?

Has something recently happened to make this particularly hard? Maybe there’s also something happening – or not happening – in your wider life that you could fix or change to help buffer you against this obvious sadness.

UKCP-registered psychotherapist Helen Gilbert wondered if you could look at the expectations you had.

“I got the sense a lot of this is you comparing what your friends do, but not everyone sees their grandchildren every day, or even that often.”

We wondered how old the grandchildren were and if you’d always had that expectation.

For a long time our children need us, and come back to us a lot; we can take their presence a little for granted

It sounded like you have had a very busy, independent life and now your children have that: you and your husband have helped to raise them to be autonomous adults, congratulations.

The other thing to consider is the shift from when our children are fairly young and need us – and this period can extend well into their 20s – to becoming proper adults with their own lives.

“This latter phase, can require more work from the parents if we want to be part of it,” said Gilbert.

When we raise our children we are the centre of their world and for a long time they need us, and come back to us a lot, either literally or emotionally; we can take their presence a little for granted.

But suddenly they fledge and they are off, and this can be hard.

It could be a different job, or a relationship, or their own change in status from daughter to mother that tips this.

But that bit – the fledging – sounds like it happened a while ago, hence me asking you ‘why now?’

I asked Gilbert how you could be more honest with your daughters without making them feel responsible for your feelings or overwhelming them.

We must never look to our children, even our adult ones, to heal us, or make things OK on an existential level. Or to make us happy.

That’s not their job, it’s ours.

Gilbert said: “Try to allow yourself to process how you feel separately from your daughters. Sometimes if we feel overwhelmed, or have been holding something in, it can come out when we talk to that person.”

So do try to find a place you can explore your grief and loss and feelings of sadness away from your daughters.

If your husband doesn’t seem to share how you feel then maybe a therapist or a good friend who can listen and help you reflect.

Avoiding the Zoom calls isn’t the right way to go as your daughters may misconstrue your motives; when we try to hide our emotions we can come across as detached.

Perhaps if you had them more often, if this were possible (shorter, more frequent calls) they wouldn’t become such a “thing”.

Gilbert wondered if you could say something to your daughters along the lines of: “I feel sad we don’t see each other very much – could we speak more regularly or is there a way for me/us to engage more in your lives?”